Sunday 28 December 2008

I couldn't make this up if I tried lol

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
He set his class a project "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of the students, Rebecca and Jim - last names deleted.

------------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------
(Second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.
Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his trans- galactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract
her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target
for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the
human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President,
in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor
off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion,
which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans.
The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't
allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of
the sky!"
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh
no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Eat shit.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Go drink some tea - whore.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Teacher)
A+    I really liked this one.


Tuesday 23 December 2008

Easy & Delicious Ham Glaze

Description:
We celebrated with a Christmas meal on Sunday. After buying a nice piece of smoked ham on the bone big enough to feed a small third world nation I decided to glaze the ham, even though we were planning to eat it cold as it was rather humid that day.

Ingredients:
Cloves (as required)
2/3 cup of honey
1 tablespoon Dijon Mustard
3 tablespoons orange juice
1 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

Directions:
Using a sharp knife, score a zig-zag pattern around shank end of ham. Starting at the bottom of ham, slide your fingers under the skin and work them up between skin and fat, loosening the skin as you go. When you reach the scored shank end, gently pull skin back in one piece and discard.

Preheat oven to 190C. Using a sharp knife, trim fat layer, if necessary (this is more likely on a picnic ham), so that fat is no more than 5mm deep. Score a shallow diamond pattern in fat, at 1.5cm intervals, without cutting into meat. Stud the point of each diamond with a clove. Place ham in a large roasting pan. Pour  1/3 cup water into base of pan.

For glaze, combine all ingredients in a small bowl. Brush thickly over ham. Bake ham for 45 minutes, basting with juices occasionally, until glaze is deep brown. If juices in pan evaporate too quickly, add a little more water. Transfer ham to a platter.

To carve, remove cloves. Steady the ham with a carving fork (or use a regular dinner fork) then use a long, thin carving knife to carve thin slices away from the bone, following the grain of the meat. Using the fork, transfer slices to a platter. Continue slicing in the same manner, working around the bone, then turn ham over and repeat on the other side. Serve warm or at room temperature.


Friday 19 December 2008

Self Saucing Chocolate Pudding


Description:
Xmas this year is going to be fairly low key in our household. Mark is spending xmas day with the rellies and as Lee is working I decided that we would celebrate xmas early with a lunch tomorrow, it's about the only time between now and New Years we are all going to be home at the same time! I didn't really want to mess around with a new dessert recipe (although Lee found a Thai one he wants me to try), so I'm falling back on an old family favourite that never fails to please.

Ingredients:
* 1 cup self-raising flour
* 2 tablespoons cocoa powder
* 1/2 cup brown sugar
* 80g butter, melted, cooled
* 1/2 cup milk
* 1 egg, lightly beaten
* thick cream and berries, to serve

Sauce
* 3/4 cup brown sugar
* 2 tablespoons cocoa powder, sifted
* 1 1/4 cups boiling water



Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 180°C. Grease an 8-cup capacity ovenproof baking dish. Sift flour and cocoa into a large bowl. Stir in sugar.
2. Combine butter, milk and egg in a jug. Slowly add to flour mixture, whisking until well combined and smooth. Spoon into baking dish. Smooth top.
3. Make sauce: Sprinkle combined sugar and cocoa over pudding.
4. Slowly pour boiling water over the back of a large metal spoon to cover pudding. Place dish onto a baking tray. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes or until pudding bounces back when pressed gently in centre. Serve hot with cream and berries.

Notes & tips

* Hint: Pouring the boiling water over a spoon prevents the water from disturbing the sugar mixture too much.
* For an adult twist on this pudding, try reducing milk to 1/3 cup and adding 2 tablespoons of Kahlua to the pudding mixture in step 2.
* To reheat leftovers, spoon into a microwave-safe bowl. Cover loosely with plastic wrap. Heat for 2 to 4 minutes on MEDIUM (50%) power.

Friday 12 December 2008

The Art of Tipping

I don't know if tipping is customary where you live, but in my experiences living in NZ and Australia, tipping is a privilege not a right. I know in some parts of the world the base wages for people working in certain industries is abysmal. I’m not saying minimum wage rates here are fantastic but one can generally survive on it if you have to.
 Don’t take this as an absolute truth (because I can’t be bothered looking it up to confirm or deny) but I heard or read somewhere that it is illegal here to solicit tips. I don’t think businesses are even meant to display a tip jar on the counter.
 
I will however generally tip my cab driver or waiting staff if I am out dining…. unless I’ve received really bad service – sorry you don’t get my buck for just clocking on at your job. The better service I receive the more lucrative your tip is going to be.

So yeah I’m curious to hear about your good, bad and downright ugly tipping experiences. Do you earn tips? What was the best tip you got (and why?). Or maybe you have a story about a time when you felt you went the extra mile & it wasn’t acknowledged. Have you ever left a tip when you felt someone just didn’t deserve it? What sort of tipping guidelines do you follow? 10% of the tab or what? Should you tip beforehand to get that good table and service or afterwards?

I’m going to share a story that came to mind when composing this entry.


When I came over to Sydney to meet Lee we spent our first few days together staying in the city, you know doing the whole touristy thing and spending heaps of time wining & dining. Well we had spent most of the day out & about and about 5pmish we were heading back towards our hotel to change for dinner etc. We were both pretty tired and as we were passing the Park Hyatt Hotel, the wine bar (with waterfront harbour views) looked so inviting we decided to stop in for a glass of wine & a chance to discuss our  plans for the evening.

The bar wasn’t dreadfully busy, there were several other couples, and one largish group of people, having pre-dinner cocktails, as they were all dolled up to the nines. We were casually dressed in comparison to the other patrons in our shorts & tshirts, but still tidily dressed.

We found seats & proceeded to check out the wine list. Although there was a bar tender working behind the bar, being a five star hotel it was the sort of place that offered table service. The only staff member that appeared to be taking orders was busy with another couple as we came in, but we weren’t in a hurry and it was nice just to sit and relax for a while. So we sat there and chatted for a while, as the minutes ticked by, as she served several tables…having to walk past where we were sitting several times. We sat there, in dumbfounded amazement when she walked over to the other side of the room and started cleaning up empty tables & rearranging chairs.

You know the feeling when you are trying to catch the attention of a waiter or waitress and they refuse to make eye contact with you? It can be really frustrating! I was happy to wait our turn whilst she dealt with the other patrons, but when she started cleaning tables after not even acknowledging our presence I just saw red! There was no way she could not have seen us, like I said she walked right past our table several times.

I marched up to the bar & before I could utter a word the bar tender politely explained I should take a seat and someone would take my order. Gritting my teeth I politely replied I would be happy to do that but considering we had already been waiting 20 minutes & no one had bothered to come near our table to take our order it was expedient to just cut out the middle man. I passed over a $50 note and ordered a $35 bottle of wine, & told the bar tender to keep the change. However it was at this point that she must have seen me standing at the bar so she hurried over. He finished uncorking the wine bottle and I was about to pick it up and the glasses when inspiration hit. I pulled out another $50 and handed that to him and said “And this is for your prompt and polite service”.

Now I’m sure they would get some pretty big tippers in that joint, but I just think my gesture took them both off guard because they stood there like stunned mullets. He thanked me but honestly the sour look on HER face was all the thanks I needed. It was worth every cent knowing that she would have been kicking herself for not taking our order (not that I would have tipped that extravagantly usually, but she wouldn’t have known that lol).

So yeah that’s the first and last time I’ve ever tipped because of lousy service.


Thanks to Diadem Pearl for the inspiration for this entry when I read her entry:
  10 Workers to Tip This Season...